The Neverland

Sometimes I wish I could close my eyes and everything would just go away... The pain, the discomfort, the sadness, the worry. The only problem is when I try to do that, everything's worse when I open my eyes. The only thing I've really been living for this month is to go to work, but I can't go to work for too long or I get tired and my body starts flipping out even more.

I had a happy dream last night, better than the ones I've had recently. It was a new mother dream, which I don't have very often. (Don't get excited. There's no way I'm pregnant. Believe me.) I had this beautiful baby boy (who was definitely a couple months old, but in my dream had been born the day before). He was so happy and peaceful and he smiled every time I looked at him. It was hard to believe he was mine (probably because he was a dream baby and I didn't have to carry him for nine months) but I loved him. And I was so happy. And I was at work, go figure.

I keep telling myself the compounding bad things have to end sometime. But I can't even see the promise of light at the end of the tunnel, let alone the beacon willing me onward.